Is she really a Lesbian? How can I tell?

just recently, a friend of this blog was placed in a situation where a conquest claimed the "L" designation yet continued to give the idea that a full court press could return her to the land of "D". Needless to say, this ended in a rather embarassing situation for all involved. So to save everyone some time (and money) in the future, let us go over the signs that will let you know that she is not bullshitting when she says she is a lezbo.

1) She has kids - This is a surefire sign in my book. It means that she was straight but at some point or another she developed an aversion to cock. There is no turning this one back. She has sampled the goods and put them back on the shelf.

2) All her friends are lesbians too - Do I really need to explain?

3) She only gives you mixed signals when she's drunk - She's wasted and is flirty. Cliche as it may be but "All bitches are the same" just cause she loses some inhibition while in an altered state does not mean that you are her cup of tea and that she will fuck you once the effects have worn off.

4) One of the first things she tells you is that she's gay - If she tells you right off the bat it is definately not a lame excuse to blow you off. She's serious about her lesbianism and is letting you know that you and your penis have no chance in hell.

I might get sued for this...

But who the fuck cares!

Do not get your car worked on at D&K Automotive in Ruskin, FL!

It's owner, Mike Farrington, is a dishonest mechanic!

See my last Khufi Category entry for details!

Hiatus...

I've been crazy busy with work...but I hope to updating more frequently from now on. I will set aside some time at night.

The 9 Types Of Auto Mechanics

So while sitting here stewing about what happened to my car (see my earlier "Khufi Category" where I blast the asshole that wronged me) I got to thinking if I had EVER had the auspicious honor of meeting a truly honest mechanic. I have, but alas, this only lead to the realization that although honest it did not stop them from being total pricks. So with that in mind I decided to take a page out of Matt Groening's playbook and present you with:


The Nine Types of Auto Mechanics

1. The Friend/Relative

Pros: Less likely to screw you over, cheap
Cons: Might exagerrate his skills, can cause more problems than he solved, takes forever (he can only work on it in his spare time), if the repairs go wrong it can sour the relationship

2. The Dealer

Pros: Knowledgeable about your make of car
Cons: Its a corporation so haggling is out of the question, expensive, dishonest (will make a mountain out of a mole hill)

3. The Rope-A-Dope

Pros: Cheap, knowledgeable
Cons: Will start your repairs at one cheap price but will mysteriously unearth other problems in the middle of fixing one thing, you wont be able to indentify him until he has you by the balls and is asking for more money

4. Mr. Explains-It-All

Pros: Honest, efficient, will explain everything about whats wrong your vehicle
Cons: Expensive (apparently honesty comes with a surcharge), will make you feel insecure about your car

5. The Father

Pros: Moderately priced, knowledgeable, makes you feel secure in his services
Cons: Will lecture you, is usually the Rope-A-Dope in disguise

6. The Self-Proclaimed Expert

Pros: Honest about the repairs that are needed
Cons: He's a self proclaimed expert for a reason; repairs take forever, once he cracks the car open he will be incompetent to proceed, a third party ends up taking over (usually the Rope-A-Dope or The Blackhole)

7. The Fossil

Pros: Cheap, established
Cons: Does not have all the tools of a modern auto shop, might be operating out of his garage, usually ends up causing more problems than he solves, only accepts cash

8. The Blackhole

Pros: Moderately priced, knowledgeable
Cons: Thinks he's the only game in town so his customer service is terrible, will find things wrong with your car to inflate the cost of repairs, if you haggle with him he will make you feel like he's doing you a favor by coming down on the price, you'll be back again and again...., head for zee hills.

9. My Hero

Pros:Fairly priced, honest, friendly, knowledgeable, efficient
Cons: Near extinction, can turn into Mr. Explains It All or The Blackhole, Is usually hired by The Dealer

ANOTHER LEAK!!!

This just came in from DJ Hi-Def! Hot Shit!

Comin 8/1...Hi-DEF & Max B. The Wave Is Over? Mixtape More songs to follow in the following weeks, for now enjoy these 3 leaks:
Max B. ft Jay Burna and Lauren Hill-Wavy La (HD remix)link: http://usershare.net/5j0bkrlclr3m

Max B. ft Charles Hamilton-Devils and Slaws (HD remix)link:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/624233475ce54153

Max B. ft Jay Burna-Diamonds and Pearls 2009link:
http://usershare.net/at182b3lgen4

Peace!

The Khufi Category!

Preface: The subject of this entry has actually threatened me with a defamation of character lawsuit so I will edit his name and the name of his business, but if you get at me in a private message I will run down all the info on this cocksucker.



Name: M*****e F*******n



Occupation: Dishonest mechanic, thief, redneck, gimp, owner of D********K Automotive in Ruskin, FL


Why he's in here: This redneck cocksucker first came around months ago when my car broke down due to what was originally thought to be a broken head gasket but unfortunately progressed to a cracked head. I brought the car this guy's shitty little business because he had the most reasonable price and he had no complaints on his record. I'm always careful when searching for a mechanic because most of them are dishonest assholes (more on this later). So I have the car towed to this guy near the end of February and let him get to work and this is where my troubles began. Originally the work was to take two days but when he pulled out the cylinder head the engine was shot to shit and after a brief negotiation on the price M****e told me that he would have it done in a week at a cost of a little over $1,000.00. Long story short the "week" stretched into 15 days in which the only response I would get is "I don't know why it's not starting". Finnally after bugging the shit out of him my car was done but wouldn't you know it that that shit broke down again within 10 fucking days of having it fixed. I called this gimpy son-of-a-bitch to let him know so that he would stand behind his fucking repairs but got a "I'm too busy to see about your car". Thats when I had enough and sued this asshole for the cost of repairs and lost wages (on account of not having a car). The court date came and this arrogant fuck had the gall to argue that because he made me a discount on the labor that I got what I paid for in the sense that he only did enough labor to justify what I paid for and that there was no guarantee on his part that the car would run adequately. What a crock of shit! Fortubately, the court agreed with me and gave me judgement on the case but when I try to collect, guess what? This cocksucker had already declared himself bankrupt thus making any collection effort on my part mute.

I guess it is true when they say that sometimes the cheapest solution is the most expensive. What a fucking crook.

Update

I've been gone for a while but I am back just to give all the readers an update...lately I've been working my ass off trying to get this paper but hopefully my schedule will free up a bit more in these coming weeks so that I can blog on a more frequent basis. Also at the end of this month Hi Def and myself will be putting out our first collaborative comedy mixtape entitled "Role Models". No music on here folks, just the two of terrorizing businesses with immature prank calls. "Role Models" will come bundled with the re-release of Hi Def's first prank call mixtape entitled "The Spirit" both links will be posted here (and surprisingly enough on datpiff.com) for your listening pleasure, so stay on the lookout. In the meantime, I will be back to add to the Khufi Category and throw in a rant or two since there is honestly not that much to review.

Thanks and keep reading!

DOWNLOAD THIS!!!

Hi-DEF and Jay-z: The Premier Issue vol. 7 mixtape! DOWNLOAD LINK: http://www.zshare.net/download/6215182731951479/

The Khufi Category!

Preface:

I want to welcome each and everyone of you to this latest of features on passdatpiff.blogspot.com which I refer to as, The Khufi Category. The name is taken from an old tape from Hot 97 (one of NYC's hip hop stations) that contained a verbal spat between Dip Setter Jim Jones and (then recently unretired) rapper Ma$e who had called in to clear the air about some rumors that had apparently been propagated by Jones and Cam'ron. What ensued was a hysterical 10 minute plus clip in which the audubly heated Jones promised to put Ma$e in his "khufi category" for his lack of forthrightness about the whole situation. It is with that in mind that I present this feature as a way to set up one of the most important functions of this blog, to slander those motherfuckers that would align themselves against me or my peoples.

Here we go...

The Khufi Category: June 29, 2009

Name: DJ Unreal

Occupation: Mixtape DJ, jealous motherfucker, e-thug, dick riding faggot.

Why He's In The Khufi Category: DJ Unreal (last known photograph shown above) first reared his ugly head in November of 2008 when DJ Hi Def (a friend of this blog) took a mixtape that, the self proclaimed "last real DJ", Unreal had put out as his own (in actuality it belonged to The Empire) and removed Unreal's annoying fucking drops to leave the listener with a drop free Lil Wayne mix. As soon as Unreal saw that Hi Def was getting more love for his mix he immediately bitched and moaned to Hi Def about this transgression. In a move against character, Hi Def acknowledged his error and promptly took his mix down but not before Unreal and his jealous faggot friends gave purposely low reviews to Def's material. All was quiet until the release of Hi Def's latest project "Do My Dew". After officially releasing his mix on hear-it-first.net Hi Def is greeted with the first comment from Unreal which states: "I fucks wit Raimann, but i just cannot respect a Fake DJ. Sorry..." Only females hold a grudge for this long.

Which brings us to our current situation. I dont understand how this whack ass dick cheese motherfucker can even talk. Please feel free to check out his page of datpiff.com to see what I'm talking about. This guy has the nerve to talk about fake DJ's when all he has to show are a handful of whack ass southern instrumentals and stolen mixtape concepts. Hardly anybody listens or downloads his shit yet he has 4 star reviews, I know, hard to believe that he has anybody on his dick but his little zombie goon squad has obviously gassed this motherfucker. Fuck him.

Leaks!

Both tracks off The Winning Ticket EP
Both songs remixed by Hi-DEF!

Jay-Z: The Winning Ticket:http://www.zshare.net/audio/619944505ff78809/

Jay-Z: Straight West Coastin': http://www.zshare.net/audio/619944865554a8ed/


July 4th!!! It's goin down!!!!

But wait...there's more!

TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his home today. Mays was well known for selling OxiClean, Orange Glo, Mighty Putty, Zorbeez, Hercules Hooks, etc on television. He was the best at his craft and reportedly netted a six figure income from his work as a pitchman and was also able to parlay it into a reality show on the Discovery Channel. His loud booming voice and trademark blue shirt and big beard helped him successfully sell millions of products to Americans. Hell, I swear by OxiClean that stuff really works. A cause of death is still unknown but Mays did indicate that he hit his head rather hard during a rough landing at Tampa International Airport the day before (the front tire of the airplane blew upon landing). If I were a betting man I would say that this has the same kind of injury that killed Natasha Richardson written all over it.

Edit - 6/30/2009 - It's a good thing I'm not a betting man. Preliminary autopsy reports show that Mays may have died of heart disease. There were no signs of head trauma.

With the unfortunate passing of Mays that makes 5 celebrities in the month of June to shuffle from the mortal coil. David Carradine (whose circumstances surrounding his death grow more bizarre), Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon, Actress and Model Farrah Fawcett, the aforementioned Billy Mays and of course The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. I mean, I've heard of celebrities dying in 3s but this ri-goddamn-diculous. May they all rest in peace.

Review: Do My Dew Mixtape

DJ Hi Def returns to the typical mixtape scene with his all new "Do My Dew" mixtape. Featuring tracks by the likes of J.R. Writer, B.O.B., Ghostface Killah, and Joe Budden does an adequate job of keeping tracks well organized to give this offering a cohesive sound and the 25 tracks provided give the listener a good variety of styles to choose from. Highlights come from wholly original tracks by Hi Def associate Jay Burna. Two of which were produced by the tandem RMG who show great production range on the three tracks they contributed. As cliche as it may sound, the best is left for last. In this case being the 50 Cent track "Paranoid" in which Fif continues to show his murderous side over the beat for the Wu Tang track "Heaterz". Unfortunately this mix never reaches the highs of Def's previous mixtape "The Mack Is Back" and suffers from the inclusion of two tracks from his yet to be released (but already reviewed) "Premier Issue Vol. 7: HOVA Edition" and "The Winning Ticket EP" as well as third Jay-Z blend that had ended up on the cutting room floor. Add to that the incessant "Ya Hoo Mountain Dew" drops peppered throughout which, although quite funny at first, begin to sound like a nails on a chalkboard by the time you are only a few tracks in. Nontheless, this is still a success for Hi Def and I fully recommend for download.

Final Verdict: 8.3 out of 10

RIP - Michael Jackson - 1958-2009

Death of a Legend: Michael Jackson died today of cardiac arrest at the UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles, CA. Easily the biggest musical influence in the last 30 years. Michael began his musical career young as the standout member of the Jackson 5 but the pinnacle of his fame came after he launched his solo career. Beggining with the underappreciated "Off The Wall" and his second album (that any self respecting music fan MUST OWN) "Thriller", which is the highest selling album worldwide. He then continued his domination of the 80's with "Bad" and continued this trend up until the mid 90's with "Dangerous" and "HIStory". Although for the remainder of the 90's and through all of this decade he was mostly known for his bizarre behavior and highly publicized child molestation charges (he was acquitted in 2005), he will always be known as The King of Pop. May he rest in peace.

Review: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

Never has a movie that has fulfilled all of its promises dissapointed me. Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is the first. Director Michael Bay has actually managed to make a movie completely devoid of brains. Its not as if I was expecting to see story on the level of The Godfather nor have I made the mistake of believing that Bay is anything more than a special effects addict with a camera but this movie in all of it's loudness, profanity, and crude humor really feels slapped together. Yet, oddly, is this not what we asked for? We get more and bigger robots, more deafening and bone crunching battles, and more eye candy in the form of Megan Fox and Alison Lucas. Seems likes a match made in heaven right? So why is it that this entire movie plays like the last 30 minutes of Bay's 2003 brain cell-frying Bad Boys II? The answer begins with the downright horrible script by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman who rather than providing plot and exposition seem to pepper together scenes bookended with jokes that push the envelope of the film's PG-13 rating (its like a Family Guy episode where endless cut scenes impede the story from ever being told). This is a surprise especially considering that the screenwriters penned the first Transformers as well the summer's first hit Star Trek. Bay's execution only serves to lumber the movie along until we get to a point I like to call "too much piff". Similar to the X-Men movies, this movie has simply too many good guys and bad guys for me to care about who wins or loses and between the return of Megatron (who for some reason wasn't renamed Galvatron) and the brief and non-sensical introduction of The Fallen I begin to wonder if the script writers even consulted the first movie because plot holes abound. Not to mention that at 150 minutes the movie is overly long and (I never thought I would say this) but I can only watch two robots beat the living hell out of each other so much.

I find no fault with the effects which are better than ever. The acting is as good as it can be considering what the actors have to work with and the voice talents of Peter Cullen and Hugo Weaving (as Optimus Prime and Megatron, respectively) is still top notch. The basic plot, in which the Decepticons hunt for the remaining peices of the All Spark in order to bring about the nefarious plan of their leader (known as The Fallen) was good enough to stand on it's own without the Sam goes to college thread. A storyline that only served to provide Terminator-esque sequences with a Decepticon posing as a human.

Overall, be careful what you wish for because you'll fuck around and get it. What sucks about this overly long visual effect demonstration is the realization that this is what we clamored for after the success of the first Transformers.

Final Verdict: 7.5 out of 10

Go for the effects but don't expect to feel great about this movie

Note: Not to label myself a prude or anything but I would hesitate to take a child under the age of 13 to this movie. The language (particularly from the "good guy" Autobots) is surprisingly strong and the sexual innuendos are going to be tough to explain to kid.

And on a final topic, there is growing controversy about the so-called ingrained racism in the movie in regards to slang talking illiterate Autobot twins Skidz and Mudflaps. All I have to say to that is GET A FUCKING LIFE. If your racial self esteem is so low that you indentify the antics of two robots as your own or as those of your people then I feel sorry for you.

Review: War Angel LP

Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson has begun to prep us for his forthcoming studio album ("Before I Self Destruct") with this 11 song "official mixtape" and let me just say that I hope his album follows the same path. 50 leaves behind the bullshit beef controversies that seem to follow all of his albums and instead focuses on a return to the hardcore rap that brought him to the attention of the hip hop heads that were buying his albums (and image) before the masses. With tracks like "I Line Niggas", "Redrum (Murder)" and "Cocaine" (featuring blue eyed soulster Robin Thicke) 50 takes fans back to the "Get Rich Or Die Trying" days. Of course, 50 being 50 there are a couple of tracks for the ladies which at this point is expected (even GRODT had "21 Questions") but these are the only two and there is not even a hint of 50 trying to shove a club track down our throat.
All in all the War Angel LP is one I receive warily but with the open possibility that 50 has gotten his mind right and will put out a studio album that will makes us forget the horrors that were "The Massacre" and "Curtis". Let's hope these are not empty promises.

Final Verdict: 8.5 out of 10
PASS THAT PIFF

Review: The Winning Ticket EP

"The Winning Ticket EP" started as a small collection of additional Jay-Z blends (this time without DJ Premier) that DJ Hi Def wanted to include as a supplement to his "Premier Issue Vol. 7: HOVA Edition" mix. However, while creating this new series of mixes, Hi Def found himself more inspired by the day and the final product was this 14 track winner of mixes made mostly with Jay-Z's "Black Album" acapellas.

This album contains a re-issue of "Pineapple Kush" in which Hi Def masterfully blends Jigga's "Change Clothes" with Tom Tom Club's "Genius Of Love" creating what may be his most successful blend. Other highlights include "Goodbye" where, with help of a Heatmakerz track, Hi Def crafts a near perfect blend of Jay-Z's "My First Song" and "Hov Storm" where Jay's lyrics are combined with the Techno classic "Sandstorm" by Da Rude. Along with original blends we also get the exclusive "Death Of Autotune" (rumored to be on Jay-Z's forthcoming Blueprint 3 album) as well as a "unofficial remix" to the same track featuring up and coming rappers Mainetain and Jay Burna.

The weak points of the album (there are hardly any) are of course its dated lyrics (though this is not Hi Def's fault) and the inclusion of the original Death Of Autotune, which although awesome, takes away from the albums "blend" theme and would have been better suited for true mixtape.

All in all, however, this is a must download and surprisingly better than the material it was originally intended to back up.

9.3 out of 10

PASS THAT PIFF

My ratings (and how to interpret them)

As previously explained I will use this blog to occasionally review anything and everything (from books, music, movies, TV shows, you name it). So I would just like to give a rundown to the reader so that it can better interpreted. I grade on a scale of 1-10. It breaks down as follows.

9.5-10 = A Classic. Turn off your computer and go buy/see this NOW!

9.0-9.4 = Superior

8.5-8.9 = Very Good. Shows signs of brilliance but not quite ready for the next level

8.0-8.4 = Above Average

7.5-7.9 = Average

7.0-7.4 = Mediocre

6.9 and below = A Peice of Shit. Don't waste your time or money.

Review: The Premier Issue Vol. 7: HOVA Edition

Fresh from his success on "The Mack Is Back", DJ Hi Def returns with the 7th Volume of DJ Premier worship with The Premier Issue Vol. 7: HOVA Edition. Having seemingly run through all of the prolific producer's entire catalog (or at least what was available) the up and coming Hi Def has turned his attention to pairing Primo instrumentals with acapella Jay-Z tracks from American Gangster. Although any self respecting Hip Hop fan will be able to tell that these are in fact blends it cannot be denied that Hi Def has given a fresh sound to these tracks. Not to mention that a Premier/Jay-Z album is dream that we will probably never see fulfilled, so to at least get a glimpse of what that would be like is a treat.

Hi Def treats Premier's production with the reverence it deserves, presenting the listener with a grab bag of new and old Premo beats including gems that will be recognized from Jeru The Damaja, Gang Starr, Lord Finesse, and Cormega (just to name a few). However, it is with Jay-Z's verses that Hi Def truly shows his skills. Not merely cutting and pasting verses onto instrumentals, Hi Def expertly cuts and edits Jay's verses to give even the most trained ear the notion of new material. This is most evident on "Can't Cheat Death" (itself a blend of Jay-Z's "Pray" and unreleased Premier instrumental called "Sing Like Bilal") where Hi Def etches out a new chorus with an altered Jay-Z sample. Other gems include "Welcome To The 70's" "Lock Us All Up" and "Hello Brooklyn: Flatbush Version".

The shortcomings of this mix come from the more disjointed tracks such as "You Need HD" and "This Is Hip Hop" where the collaboration sounds forced as well as Hi Def's odd choice to split "Hello Brooklyn" into two tracks as opposed to having one track with two different beats (a Premier staple). That notwithstanding, The Premier Issue Vol. 7: HOVA Edition is one I highly recommend for anybody to download. It is sure to get multiple plays.

FINAL VERDICT: 8.8 out of 10

PASS THAT PIFF

Welcome!

Hi everybody! The Incredible Piff here welcoming you to my new blog. Some of you may be following me here from MySpace and Facebook while others may have just stumbled upon this blog while surfing the nets.

Basically, this blog serves as an outlet for my reviews of the offerings of mass media (music, movies, TV shows, etc.), as well as my random thoughts on recent news stories and of course whatever pop culture phenomenon is gripping the world. I will also pepper this site with just about any thought that crosses my sick, sick mind.

So, in closing, thanks for visiting and (in the words of O-Ren Ishii) IF ANY OF YOU SONS OF BITCHES, HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!

I didn't think so...let's go.